To Don’t

Things never to do if you want your baby to sleep:

A number 2. They’ll wake up every time. Right in the middle of everything.



The Dishes.

Grown-up stuff that got those babies here in the first place.

Relaxing of any kind. The minute that TV show comes on you know baby is going to be up and ready to party.

Sleep. I’ve decided that when a parent’s head hits the pillow it’s like a sonic boom to babies. Their eyes fly open immediately because they think you’re supposed to stand guard at their door or some crap.


Get the sewing machine out.

Eat a meal (but cooking it is fine. They’ll let you cook that whole damn meal but don’t you dare eat it!).

Plan an outing that requires a nap.

Try to get one to not cry or to go back to sleep so they don’t wake up the other one.

Start a blog post. You’ll finish it with the baby in your lap (like now).

Think about them too hard. Just forget they’re up there because some psychic connection will trigger and they’ll need you. This one is especially potent if you think about how awesome your kids are and how much you love them. Stay away from cute pictures like this:


Or this:


I know, i know. What cute little faces!! Well those cute little faces are going to be awake soon and pissed that mom or dad thought too hard about them and woke them up. Just don’t do it!

What you should do if you want baby to sleep:

Sit quietly and worry that they’ll wake up.

Decide not to start a project because they’ll be up soon anyway (they’ll sleep for HOURS).

Plan an outing that requires them to wake up.

This PSA brought to you by: my kids. Waking me up at the crack of dawn since 2013.


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